Is female empowerment making women more fragile?
It is a kind of sensitivity that makes you less resilient and thus less strong. It becomes a form of self-pity that masquerades as empowerment.
Written by: Vivienne Vermaak
When I speak or facilitate at women’s empowerment or gender-based violence programmes I am always struck by the observation that, while women are stronger, more liberated, and formidable, the power has a thin skin. Undoubtedly more potent, women appear to have become simultaneously more easily offended and quicker to react to any perceived slight. Then one must ask the question of whether this feminised strength brought with it an unintended weakness and whether an overall ‘empowerment’ ranking should be adjusted because of this.
Please let us be clear from the outset that I am not equating abused women in impoverished areas which are rife with violence, gangsterism, and sexual assault in the same category as people with constant access to a job, YouTube podcasts, and a therapist. The latter often assumes the hardships of the first by gender alignment and this is where it gets tricky. For, while not all men are raping bastards, not all women are beautiful, overachieving survivors.
The reality is that most of us, female or male, are average in most aspects. Our suffering is not unique, overcoming obstacles is completely normal and our perception of how much of our own will is responsible for most of our achievements is vastly exaggerated. Most of us have suffered some betrayal by an authority figure or someone higher in the social rankings at the time. We are all victims of our circumstances, genetics, subconsciousness, and random events. Victims? Or should we say, we are consequences? Manifestations, perhaps? Let's talk about it. If everything bad that happens to you is positioned as one being a ‘victim’ of an intentionally evil person, system or universe it robs people of the little agency they already have. It’s messy.
Life is not unfair - but it is uneven. Women and black people have borne the brunt of this unevenness for many centuries. It is productive that 'corrective' measures are taken and some evening out of the playing field seems to have healing and stabilising effects. Often, the remedial measures are blunt and unwieldy and leave a different type of fissure. Movements like #metoo are a good example of a great idea leaving unintended sub-optimal consequences. It was an excellent exercise for bringing a taboo topic to the fore, but it wasn't accompanied by a #whycouldInotsayno movement and a #kickhimintheballs initiative that might have taught women how to deal with the vastly intricate landscape that presents itself when people of different power strata interact.
Instead, we are left with swathes of women who feel insulted by a wolf whistle, while at the same time being upset if men don’t find them ‘beautiful just as they are.” It is a kind of sensitivity that makes you less resilient and thus less strong. It becomes a form of self-pity that masquerades as empowerment. Many men, in turn, have reacted to this with a pitiful petulance, positioning themselves as victims of the victims, unable to deal with the convolutions of a more level landscape. It is bully or bust for them, with crybaby as a good default position.
We are not getting closer to meaningful engagement between the sexes in many ways. Annoyingly, social media and the use of cell phones have caused a bigger rift. Men are drifting into self-improvement cultures as deduced by their podcast usage and women are into therapy culture. This is a double-edged sword for women. Therapy and self-awareness are helpful and valuable ways to gain a greater understanding of yourself and the human condition, and (not but) they also tend to start with yourself in the middle of the picture. The self-obsession becomes a type of social narcissism in which you are at the centre of the universe because in real terms you are that on Facebook and Instagram by all the 'selfies' you take.
The caution with selfies is that it is not the real you. It might be you, but by the time you take the photo, you have adjusted your face for the best angle, used a filter and edited multiple versions to pick the one that makes you look the best. The lens itself is designed to make you look thinner and younger, that is why they sell so many devices. I tell women at my sessions: "If you want to know what you look like, go look at your driver's license. Yes, you really look like that. That is what the rest of us see. It is not a bad photo." We make a similar mistake when we look at ourselves in mirrors by the way, we adjust our angle.
That is because 'beauty' is largely a function of symmetry. The more symmetrical your facial features, the more beautiful people will rank you. When turning your head a bit to the side, it shows only one-half of your face in full, forcing your brain to fill in the gap with a symmetrical version of the part you are seeing. In reality, most of us are a bit skew; a mouth pulls to one side, an eye is bigger, and the jowls drop when you don't turn your head and extend your chin forward to hide a double one. You are probably average-looking and that is fine. It is enough.
It is also perfectly fine to hustle with make-up and posing for photographs, but when one starts demanding to be considered beautiful just for being female, it becomes a form of self-delusion that you want everyone else to take part in. The example of the passport photo is light and silly, but it hits home. One can then extrapolate the metaphor to other more meaningful and thorny issues in life, like success in the workplace, family dynamics, psychological health and social connection.
I contend that if you can look at your driver's license photo without protestation, it is a sturdier way to be in life: a more resilient, rational and liberated way – a more empowered way. Women have set unrealistic goals for themselves in the fields of work, family, and achievement. You have to present yourself as a girl boss, a slay queen or an uber survivor or you feel you've let the team down. Most of us are just coping with getting by and women’s liberation movements don’t show us role models for average women as they are. I for one, will have to make peace with the fact that I shall never be one of the crew in an all-female Blue Origin space flight. I shall not take up space in space and shoot for the stars, for I don’t own enough make-up and false eyelashes.
I could use a similar metaphor for men, except I'd replace the make-upped selfie with guys boasting about how good their driving is, how expert they are at sex, and how intelligent they are. I lead with the female example because I have more real-life experience.
The caution is that we are becoming cartoon versions of ourselves, flimsily drawn outlines of a robust essence getting lost because we lack the courage for complexity. Rip off the make-up, and take the sock out of your underpants. It's time - let's get real.
Vivienne Vermaak is an award-winning investigative journalist, writer and public speaker. Vivienne is a Senior Associate of The Free Market Foundation.